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theburdekinherald

theburdekinherald has written 9 posts for The Burdekin Herald

Prince Harry banned from Burdekin Hotel after caught fingerbashing publican’s missus in the shitter out back

Prince Harry has been banned from the Burdekin Hotel for the 2nd time in as many years after he was caught in a lurid act with the wife of hotel publican Mick Mines in the men’s minutes before close. His Royal Highness, dishevelled after having spilt his 13th Jack Daniels and lost his thongs minutes … Continue reading

Group of ads on low traffic website feeling very useless

News startup ready to destroy mainstream media after spending 6 days bickering over logo

News website Brisbane Register will slowly but surely replace the Courier Mail and Brisbane Times as Queensland’s premier news service, even though the company cannot agree how to font Brisbane Register. The company, made up of four QUT journalism graduates all of which averaged a 4.4 GPA is hopeful that they can launch with a … Continue reading

Rural News Corp crime reporter ready to do the news after coffee and smoke for breakfast

Home Hill Observer crime reporter John Cripps was productive in the newsroom today filing a big page 3 story about a beach-side stabbing over the weekend, right after his morning durry and filtered black coffee. “None of this poofie latte shit up here mate, I’ll tell ya,” he said. “The boys down south’ll check their … Continue reading

Republicanism surge among politicians and upper class”just a bit suspicious” says Burdekin mother of five

Local teacher and mother of five Marlene May says the recent surge in support for a republic among Australia’s politicians is a bit suspicious, saying it’s hard to trust politicians who have systematically ruined the lives of the working class in pursuit of idealistic goals that benefit the few. “When you have the majority of MPs … Continue reading

You’ll never get what this powerful MP just got outed as…

George Christensen has been outed by the Sydney Morning Herald as a traitorous republican, who would like to see an Australian head of state elected, among other fetishistic things unfit for print. Traitor George, who had been caught some months ago by his wife reading raunchy republican books like The Great Gatsby and Looking for … Continue reading

SCHOOLIES: Company makes condom recalls, ask Schoolies to take pregnancy tests

Latex company Merillio Standard have announced a recall of all condom products that use its latex in the Gold Coast over the schoolies festival. The company said in a press release this morning that the latex fibres in many brands of condoms were absorbing semen, which then allowed small amounts of semen to seep through … Continue reading

HIGGINS STORM CHASING: Hail the size of mangoes falling across Ipswich

IPSWICH is being battered by hail the size of small golf-ball sized mangoes, according to reports from esteemed meteorologists Higgins Storm Chasing.  Higgins posted a Facebook update to its 500,000 followers saying that they had received eye-witness reports of the hailstones falling across Ipswich causing damage to cars and homes. Other hailstones, the size of small hailstones, … Continue reading

“Everything just works,” says Linux user after fixing Wifi driver for 18 hours

MELBOURNE University student Sam Hill has maintained that Linux works perfectly, despite fixing a Wifi driver issue for 18 hours straight. The 18 hour Linux-binge is thought to have culminated at 5:45 this morning when Mr Hill restarted his laptop for the 16th time after applying a long winded Linux terminal script which output “only … Continue reading

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